I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got inside last night via doggy door
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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