I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
