he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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