If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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