i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
