Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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