thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
