Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
