Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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