I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
