no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
