Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm jealous of your bromance
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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