Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
