He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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