Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
