Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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