I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
