did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
