Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
