I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
