i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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