You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
