Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
