Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I'm really busy with my period
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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