Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
