it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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