Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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