3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
