The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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