I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
