i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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