the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
