how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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