then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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