Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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