The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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