haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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