we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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