Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
