I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
