can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
