i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
