I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to make out with him forever
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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