Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
