My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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