She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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