Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
