I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
