is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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