I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
